LAUGH TILL IT HURTS
Two Story Outhouse!!
Words fail me!
This picture is worth 10,000 of them.
Yep!!! This pretty much
says it all
Special Thanks for all the Emails This
Year!
I just want to thank all of you for your
educational e-mails over the past
year. I am totally screwed up now and have little
chance of recovery.
I no longer open a public bathroom door without
using a paper towel or have
them put lemon slices in my ice water without
worrying about the bacteria on
the lemon peel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I
don't know what the last
person was doing while flipping through the adult
movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I
can only imagine what has
happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has
been driving because the
number one pastime while driving alone is picking
ones nose (although cell
phone usage may be taking the number one spot).
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip
because I can only imagine
how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over
the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has
placed it on the floor of a
public bathroom.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me
the one about poop in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope
that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I
open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a
sick girl (Penny Brown)
who is about to die in the hospital for the
1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will
change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are
sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have
363,214 angels looking out
for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my
every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are
actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even
though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only
get answered if I forward
an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca
Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone
along to watch the car
so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when
I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the
people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God'
on their cans.
I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because
it causes cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup
of water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face...
disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone
will drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex
since they are actually Al
Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French
and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will
ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to
Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore
, and Uzbekistan .
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman
Marcus since I now have their
recipe.
THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine
because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause
me instant death when it
bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick
up $5.00 dropped in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by
a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my
leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy
gas from certain gas
companies!
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll
get bitten by the brown
recluse and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000
people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on
your head at 5:00 p.m.
tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels
will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will
occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door
neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's
second husband's cousin's beautician . .
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy
study, has discovered
that people with insufficient brain activity
read
their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. |
Blue Pigeon
The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a
plague of pigeons in Phoenix .
He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All
of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop, the people of
Phoenix could not walk on the sidewalks, or drive
on the roads.
It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and
sidewalks clean.
One day a man came to City Hall and offered the
Mayor a proposition.
"I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of
pigeons without any cost to the city. But, you must
promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can
pay me one million dollars to ask one
question."
The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted
the free proposition.
The next day the man climbed to the top of City
Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue
pigeon.
The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into
the bright blue Arizona sky. All of the pigeons in
Phoenix saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the
air behind the blue pigeon. Then they followed the
blue pigeon as it flew southward out of the
city.
The next day the blue pigeon returned completely
alone to the man atop City Hall.
The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and
the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful
miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of
pigeons.
Even though the man with the pigeon had charged
nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for
$1 million dollars and told the man that, indeed,
he did have a question to ask, and even though they
had agreed to no fee, he decided to pay the $1
million just to get to ask ONE question.
The man accepted the money and told the mayor to
ask his ONE question.
Do you think the Mayor is going to ask how the blue
pigeon led all the pigeons away?
Do you think the Mayor is going to ask where all
the pigeons went?
Do you think he is going to ask where the man got
the blue pigeon?
Nooooooo! Nada! NO WAY !
This will get a smile out of you...
The mayor asked:
"Do you have a Blue Illegal Mexican?"
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